Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
