i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
