Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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