I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
