508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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