You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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