I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
