dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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