i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I could make wine with my vomit
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
