I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
