and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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