I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My vagina is officially offended.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
