finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
