When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
