It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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