Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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