Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
