My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
