3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
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