when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
