Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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