i can't believe i had my finger in that
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
