I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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