my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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