in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
