I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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