its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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