I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
