It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize