your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
