Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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