My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
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