I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
