I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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