The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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