if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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