eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
