I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
