Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
