im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
