Only a mothe r could love this liver
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
