Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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