Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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