I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
