My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
