So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize