she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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