3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
