How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
