who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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