Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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