I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
