When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
