I puked a lego.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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