thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
