Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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