Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
