She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
