My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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