I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
