Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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