My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize