Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
