Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
