New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
