I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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